The Story of ‘Z’

To preserve his anonymity, I’ll just call him ‘Z’.

He was a bright young lad who bagged himself a place at a top Ivy League institution to do an undergraduate degree.

That was where the trouble first started.

You know how it is, you’re approached by some fellow students and you just want to fit in & appear as cool as they do. So it was there that he was first introduced to PHP—he just dabbled with it initially but things quickly escalated.

As was known even back then, it’s what experts describe as a ‘gateway language’ and inevitably leads on to much heavier, far more dangerous stuff.

Anyway, sure as night follows day, the next thing you know, ‘Z’ is mainlining Javascript several times a day and even abusing Node.js on occasion.

‘Node’ or just ‘N’ as it is called by it’s users, is 100× stronger than Javascript and was originally developed to tranquilize bull elephants in musth.

Of course, it’s not just the deleterious mental effects on these poor helpless ‘language abusers’, there are the significant antisocial effects too. Along with the not showering and accompanying BO as a result of their bingeing behaviour, there is the distinct possibility that you can end up with a tragic haircut and then creating and running a multibillion dollar spying & brainwashing operation, just like ‘Z’ did.

His family are distraught and completely devastated knowing the subhuman existence their ‘golden boy’ is currently leading.

His friends? Fortunately, he hasn’t got any of those.

So remember kids:

PHP is bad, mmkay?